BOBCATS4EVER LEAGUE OFFICE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Second Floor Shits Prohibited from Proposing Rule Changes Until Franchise Qualifies for Postseason
Follows Failure of Owner Lenny Neslin’s Six-Option Scoring Change Proposal, Subsequent Complaint from Trader Jame
Ruling Influenced by Franchise’s History of Shitty Proposals and Circling the Drain in Regular Season
BEACON FALLS, Conn. – The Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League has announced that the Second Floor Shits will be prohibited from submitting proposals for rule changes or additions to the league’s Constitution until the franchise qualifies for the postseason.
The ruling comes in response to an official complaint lodged by Trader Jame on the annual Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League Preseason Owners Survey, in which Second Floor Shits owner Lenny Neslin proposed an onerous, six-option proposal to change scoring settings for kickers and defense/special teams — choices included vague references to “sharply” or “slightly” reducing scoring. All six measures failed, with seven of the league’s 12 owners voting to approve none of the proposals.
The other two proposed rule changes — one by the Eisenbrowns to make all missed field goals from 0-49 yards worth minus-one point, and another by The Love Bus to allow pre-keeper deadline trades including any player on the previous season’s rosters — both passed, 8-4 and 7-5, respectively.
“I appreciated the fact that owners Matt Eisenberg and Marc Schwartz submitted clear proposals that had simple ‘enact’ or ‘do not enact’ options,” Bobcats4Ever Commissioner Kyle Brennan said. “I had prepared a simple question for Len’s proposal to reduce the scoring for both positions, one position, or neither that might have had a chance. Instead, his complication of the matter not only binded up my day, but flushed his hopes of seeing a rule change.”
The League Office announced Aug. 7 that it would take under consideration Trader Jame’s complaint, which read simply: “Rule proposal to put Second Floor Shits on a two-year probation from rule proposals.”
The Commissioner considered a couple of disciplinary options during his biennial retreat to the Outer Banks of North Carolina from Aug. 13-20, during which many houseguests dropped their kids off at the pool. Brennan ultimately chose to go No. 2.
He cites Article IV, Section 3 of the Constitution to support his ruling. The section reads: “The Commissioner shall have the power to enforce this constitution and make decisions on matters not expressly covered within this constitution.”
“It’s clear that the Second Floor Shits have habitually tried to pinch a loaf all over our constitutionally designed measures to keep our league adaptable by annually proposing crappy ideas and defecating upon our other owners’ right to an orderly amendment process,” Brennan said. “However, I felt it would be unfair to arbitrarily ban the franchise’s ideas for a blanket two years. This ruling will allow the Shits an opportunity to earn back the right to propose changes once they finally make another appearance in the postseason, although I’d advise owners to grab a stool and not hold their breath on that one.”
Indeed, the Second Floor Shits have only reached the postseason twice in 10 years. Their most recent playoff appearance came in 2020, when the team finished fifth. The only other postseason appearance in franchise history was in the league’s inaugural 2013 season, when the Second Floor Shits finished third.
The franchise ranks 13th all-time (of 15 qualifying franchises) in average league finish (8.10). The Shits entered the 2022 season in the No. 11 spot in those rankings, dropping a deuce after finishing 10th at 5-9.
Trader Jame owner Jamie Palatini declined comment on the decision but did say that the team “appreciate[s] the League Office’s handling and resolution on this matter.”
Previous rule proposals from the Second Floor Shits that also laid a stink pickle included:
- “The team with the fewest points scored at the conclusion of the regular season shall contribute an additional $50, which shall be awarded to the team with the most points scored at the conclusion of the regular season.” (2022 — failed; owners voted 9-3 to disapprove)
- “Are you in favor of changing the percentage of payouts that are dedicated to the playoff bracket (30%, paid to top three teams) and the regular-season points results (70%, paid to one highest-scoring team each week and top three highest-scoring teams of the regular season)? (2019 — failed; owners voted 8-3 to make no changes)
- “Should we maintain our current statistical scoring system or use Yahoo scoring defaults?” (2018 — failed; owners voted 11-1 to keep our scoring system)
However, the Second Floor Shits are responsible for the Neslin Awards, which allocates a portion of yearly dues to awarding each week’s highest-scoring team as well as the top three highest-scoring teams of the regular season. The rule was enacted in 2015 after months of pushing and straining by Neslin.
“A broken clock is right twice a day, as they say,” Brennan said. “Eventually, you can polish a turd.”
However, the Second Floor Shits are tied for eighth in league history with just six weekly Neslin Awards. All franchises with fewer weekly Neslins have either joined the league recently or are defunct.
In other news, the Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League welcomes new owner Nick Solari, a 2016 graduate of the Quinnipiac School of Communications and reigning national champion. He has yet to officially name his franchise.
Solari replaces Mike Silverman, a 2010 graduate who presided over DAAAA Jew for five seasons. Silverman relinquished his ownership after the 2022 season, citing family obligations and other gambling interests.
— B4EFFL —