BOBCATS4EVER LEAGUE OFFICE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Bobcats4Ever Commissioner Places Transaction Ban on Deacon Blues
Unprecedented Move in Response to “Insubordinate, Churlish Behavior” by Blues Owner McQuiggan
BEACON FALLS, Conn. — Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League Commissioner Kyle Brennan announced Tuesday afternoon that the League Office has placed an indefinite transaction ban on the Deacon Blues franchise and owner Miles McQuiggan using the power granted to the Commissioner by the league’s Constitution.
The transaction ban is the first of its kind in the three-year history of the league. Deacon Blues is prohibited from adding or dropping players, or participating in trades with any other franchise, until the League Office lifts the ban. The ban was installed at 1 p.m. on Tuesday.
McQuiggan abused the power of removing Small-Town Americans owner Kyle Brennan from the league’s official Facebook chat earlier Tuesday afternoon.
McQuiggan’s string of messages prior to his violation: “anyone else have anything? get it all out before my 1:30 meeting … don’t leave anything out … anything more about my weight? anything more about stupid shit I did when I was 19? maybe we can work something in about my family while we’re at it.”
Brennan replied: “remember the time The Zog shut down the Thanks Miles page?”
McQuiggan removed Brennan from the chat without written permission from the Commissioner.
While there is no specific clause in the league’s Constitution regarding violations of the league’s Facebook chat etiquette, the Commissioner cited Article IV, Section 3 of the document in justifying his decision. It reads: “The Commissioner shall have the power to enforce this Constitution and make decisions on matters not expressly covered within this Constitution.”
“Who in the blue hell does Mr. McQuiggan think he is?” the Commissioner asked rhetorically. “Many times in Mr. McQuiggan’s life, he has asked for the treatment he has received. He expressly asked if anyone else had anything to say to him and followed up by suggesting topics. That’s like throwing a pitch in slowpitch softball and getting mad when someone hits it 250 feet. It’s insubordinate, churlish behavior that this league will not tolerate.”
The Small-Town Americans were pleased with the swift and decisive action taken by the League Office.
“Kudos to Commissioner Brennan for setting a precedent that this bullshit from the so-called whitest guy in the league will not stand,” Brennan said. “Miles got mad at me for bringing up hilarious memories about a girl throwing a bottle of Advil at his head in a Westerly, R.I., supermarket and his mother being over-protective against his only group of friends. I’m really not surprised. But removing someone from our chat for a good joke is pathetic and typical of Miles. Removing someone should be reserved for terrible jokes and soccer references — not giving someone the medicine he ordered.”
“If Miles shows up at Saturday’s Quinnipiac hockey game against Dartmouth,” Brennan continued, “I’m going to dunk his head in Chartwell’s barbecue sauce, eat him with a side of chicken tenders, drive all the way to The Zog’s toilet and shit him right back where Sam used to give him swirlies.”
The Commissioner did not announce how McQuiggan can go about getting the ban lifted.
— B4E —
UPDATE: NOV. 11 at 10 A.M.
Apology Prompts Deacon Blues’ Ban to be Lifted by League Office
As laid out in the amended conditions in the transaction ban levied by the Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League Office and Commissioner Kyle Brennan, the apology issued Wednesday morning by Deacon Blues owner Miles McQuiggan was sufficient to have his ban lifted.
“I’m sorry for throwing you out of the chat,” McQuiggan wrote. “Please don’t bring up the Advil thing again, though.”
The apology came about 20 seconds after McQuiggan found out not only could he not add, drop or trade players, but he could also not adjust his starting lineup.
Small-Town Americans owner Kyle Brennan accepted the apology and reminded McQuiggan that there are “sunny days” ahead.
Deacon Blues will face the firesold Fear Boners this week, while the first-place Small-Town Americans will face a bye-week-fueled challenge against the Second Floor Shits.
— B4E —