MR. McGIBBLETS
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
‘I did not violate any bylaws or rules at the time’ — Mr. McGibblets Owner Matt Eisenberg
SNOOZEBURY, Mass. — Mr. McGibblets GM Matt Eisenberg will appeal his sanction of a “Tebow-esque” selection of his sixth-overall pick in the 2015 draft for his role in the November trade(s) involving Dallas Cowboys running back DeMarco Murray. Eisenberg’s penalty for his role on the November 3rd trades is being forced to choose Tim Tebow or a backup kicker as his sixth overall pick, as voted on by other league GMs.
For several reasons, Eisenberg deems his penalty unwarranted, but thinks the steps the GMs took in their league meeting took in preventing measures like this from occurring again are a positive for the league.
In November, Eisenberg and HOW BOUT DAT?! GM Jamie Palatini agreed to a trade involving Murray, but the trade was vetoed by the next morning, including having one veto by Eisenberg without notifying Palatini. While the trade was being processed, Eisenberg reached out to Second Floor Shits GM Lenny Neslin about a potential trade involving Murray, but because of Murray’s involvement in the trade to Palatini, it was still in question. Eisenberg did not coerce Lenny into vetoing the trade, nor did Neslin suggest Eisenberg veto it because of a better offer.
“I had second thoughts about it soon after I pressed the accept button, but failed to inform Palatini about those notions,” Eisenberg said in a statement from his home in Shrewsbury, Mass., also known as “Snoozebury” and “Shoes-bree.”
After the initial trade with Palatini was vetoed by the then-necessary four GMs, Eisenberg and Neslin reached an agreement involving Murray and Alshon Jeffrey. That trade was vetoed within 15 minutes. After back-and-forth discussions, Eisenberg and Palatini reached an agreement involving Murray and three mid-round picks for first-, fifth- and seventh-round picks. That trade was upheld.
“Palatini and Neslin did not participate in any wrongdoing or collusion,” Eisenberg said. “I am against penalizing them. This simply was my fault for inept management during a hectic time. In hindsight, I should have acted differently. I have since learned and will not make the same mistake again.”
The day of all the trades, Bobcats4Ever commissioner Kyle Brennan informed noted arbitrator Jeremy Schilling on the program “Teeing it Up.” After listening to the commissioner’s report, the arbitrator ruled no penalty shall be enforced on any of the three involved parties.
“This is a classic case of double jeopardy,” Calle Ochocinco GM Corey Hersch said during a 90-minute league meeting on January 10, 2015. Hersch also said he disagreed with Schilling’s ruling.
During that league meeting, Brennan created the constitution. Most of the league’s GMs were present for its ratifying and amended several rule-changes, including adjustments to trade procedures. GMs can no longer veto their own trades.
Eisenberg echoed Hersch’s sentiments regarding double jeopardy, saying the arbitrator’s ruling should have been the final say, given there was no new evidence. Eisenberg also pointed out there was nothing in any league regulations about vetoing one’s own trade.
“If anything, my actions were unethical, and I will admit that as a huge error on my part,” Eisenberg said, “but that said, I was in line with the league regulations. I did not violate any bylaws or rules at the time. We have made strides in the right direction to prevent these measures from happening again. A draft-pick penalty is the wrong way to handle an unethical decision that did not include any rule-breaking actions.”
“Eisenberg? GET LAWST!” Cutthroat Kitchen owner Andrew Fletcher said. “Fuck that kid. I want to bury him to the ground.”
Eisenberg said he understands why GMs would be upset, but feels the other GMs are trying to exact revenge by voting to punish him.
“I don’t believe that is ethical, given I was in line with regulations at the time,” Eisenberg said. “We should not be treating an unethical decision with an unethical punishment.”
“The rule changes should set the precedent before any punishment,” Commissioner Brennan said, “and when rules are definitively broken, we shall arrange a proper sanction when that time comes.”
According to another league release, Eisenberg owes Neslin and Fletcher $20 each. Eisenberg confirmed those rumors and will take the necessary steps in reimbursing them as soon as feasibly possible, most likely via Venmo.
Any questions can be directed to Mr. McGibblets’ contact form here. This release was written by PR intern Colin Stevens, his first release with the McGibblets organization.