SMALL-TOWN AMERICANS
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
BEACON FALLS, Conn. — Fucking right.
“There are no better people in this world than small-town Americans, so I’m just thrilled that our team could live up to its name,” Small-Town Americans owner/general manager Kyle Brennan said. “What a victory. Fuck yes.”
The Small-Town Americans defeated the Fear Boners Part Deux when owner/GM Marc Schwartz conceded defeat late Monday evening with the matchup’s outcome no longer in doubt. The Small-Town American went on to win, 130.91-106.69.
Schwartz insinuated that his team was done in by only one player, Odell Beckham Jr., when in reality the Small-Town Americans outscored their opponents at five of nine positions. In fact, the Small-Town Americans won while having to bench the injured T.Y. Hilton and getting only 0.50 points from Martellus Bennett. Clearly, Brennan left some meat on the bone, but his midseason acquisitions of Beckham, Tom Brady and Tre Mason proved fruitful.
“Whatever makes Marc feel better about his defeat, man,” Brennan said. “This is what he gets for treating this league’s championship as a second-class title late in the season. I could have taken Gio Bernard out of my lineup and not run up the score, but we needed to teach Marc a lesson. I’m thrilled to have won this title not only for myself, my players and small-town America, but also for the other owners in the Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League who place it as their top priority during the fantasy season.”
But Brennan did not want to completely pile on Schwartz after the championship.
“I do applaud Marc and his team on a good season, and I hope that we can remain friends,” Brennan continued. “I just want him to treat this league with the importance that most of us do, and the only way for me to get that through to him was to deprive him of a championship. Plus, I warned him that this defeat would happen. His team relies heavily on Antonio Brownand Le’Veon Bell, both of whom obviously play in Pittsburgh and had their worst games since the Steelers’ Week 12 bye. Prior to the championship, I texted Marc the following: ‘Let’s face it, Pittsburgh has never come through for you in championship settings.’ It’s true. Now the 2014 Bobcats4Ever championship can take its place with Marc’s Pittsburgh playoff heartbreaks that already included the Jets’ 2005 AFC Divisional Playoff loss, the Jets’ 2011 AFC Championship loss, the 2013 Frozen Four and the last two postseason appearances by the Pirates.”
Bobcats4Ever Commissioner Kyle Brennan echoed the first part of these thoughts.
“As an impartial official of this league, I don’t root for anybody. But I’d be lying if I said there were not some satisfaction seeing an owner who truly loves this league — and is quite handsome — defeat an owner that certainly has question marks in that area,” Commissioner Brennan said. “Congratulations to the Small-Town Americans on a magnificent run, powered by several season-changing acquisitions and our league’s stoutest defense.”
In the end, the Fear Boners simply could not shake the Small-Town Americans’ defense, which was consistently the best unit in the league all season. STA allowed the second-fewest total points during the regular season and cranked up its defense during the playoffs, giving up just 84.83 points to Calle Ochocinco in the semifinals before holding the Fear Boners to about 100 points, their second-lowest total of the year.
Other owners posited that the Hit Schticks would have won the league championship had they qualified — some call their snub the BAHGAWD Screwjob — based on the team’s total points during the playoff weeks. However, Brennan said those assumptions cannot be made because they assume the Hit Schticks and the Small-Town Americans would have played in a vacuum.
“Sure, the Hit Schticks put up 172.41 points in Week 14, which was the week in which we would have played against each other in the quarterfinals,” Brennan said. “But the Hit Schticks posted that score on a bye. That’s like scoring against yourself in practice. Who’s playing any defense? The Small-Town Americans would not have allowed that many points had we met the Hit Schticks. Just look at the defensive efforts we’ve put forth in the final two rounds and try to honestly say that the Hit Schticks would have fared much better.”
No matter, as the Small-Town Americans join HOW BOUT DAT?! as the only Bobcats4Ever champions.
“It should be noted that both league champions have emerged from the Normal Division,” Brennan said. “We play good football over here, as Jamie (Palatini, owner/GM of HBD?!) would agree. The Jewish Division folks can cast their stones, but we bear this league’s cross.”
The Small-Town Americans will regroup over the offseason and have to build from the No. 12 overall pick. The team will keep Beckham and likely hang on to Hilton, although the second spot is not firm at this point. Both players will hold sixth-round value next year and can be taken with STA’s two fifth-round picks (as the team does not have a sixth-round selection).
“We’re not really worried about next year at this point,” Brennan said. “With the holidays upcoming, we’re going to celebrate the shit out of this title. The owners meeting will get here eventually, but it’s something the commissioner can worry about in the meantime. If he were me, he’d do the same thing.”