BOBCATS4EVER LEAGUE OFFICE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
All 12 Teams Projected to Finish Within 135 Points
Three Draft-Day Trades Move Murray, 31 Picks
Several Amendments Made to Constitution
BEACON FALLS, Conn. — The Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League might think about changing its name to the Parity4Ever Fantasy Football League. That’s how this season is shaping up after an intriguing 2015 Bobcats4Ever Draft on Sunday evening.
“I thought that lead was pretty creative,” Bobcats4Ever Commissioner Kyle Brennan said.
Yahoo! Fantasy Football currently projects the difference between the league’s most prolific team (Thanks Obama!) and the league’s weakest squad (the Fear Boners) to be just 134.44 points. That’s in stark contrast to last season, in which the Fear Boners outscored Thanks Obama! by a league-record 589.17 points.
In addition, only one team (Team Spillzzzzzz) is projected to win 10 games, while only one team (the Leapin’ Chancellors) is projected to win fewer than five.
“These are only preseason projections — and let’s remember that the participants in last year’s Bobcats Bowl, the Fear Boners and the Small-Town Americans, were projected to finish among the league’s bottom three — but they serve as a window into how competitive this season should be,” Brennan said. “It’s on like Donkey Kong, baby.”
Thanks Obama! owner Andrew Vazzano was unable to attend the draft, leaving general manager Gus the Groundhog in charge. He proceeded to select Pittsburgh wide receiver Antonio Brown with the first overall selection, followed by unproven Oakland running back Latavius Murray with the 24th selection.
Thanks Obama! also pulled off the highest-impact trade of draft day when it acquired the rights to Philadelphia running back DeMarco Murray, a third-round keeper, from MIII-LES … YOU SUCK!
In all, 32 pieces were traded among seven teams on Sunday. That includes a four-team, 19-pick trade brokered among the Small-Town Americans, Deacon Blues, You’ve Been Chopped and Mr. McGibblets.
“Told you it was gonna be nuts,” Brennan said.
As expected, Mr. McGibblets owner Matt Eisenberg totally fumbled his early-draft package of five picks within the top 26. He selected a pair of washed-up players, Chicago running back Matt Forte and Detroit wide receiver Calvin Johnson, in the first round, before picking San Diego rookie running back Melvin Gordon and pretty eh Denver wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders in the second. Pittsburgh quarterback and alleged creep Ben Roethlisberger went to Mr. McGibblets early in the third round.
“That played out exactly like we figured it would,” Brennan said. “That’s why nobody had issues trading with Mr. Eisenberg. You can let him move up without fear of him making good picks.”
The three biggest steals of the draft came thanks to keepers in the fifth and sixth rounds. The Fear Boners kept Pittsburgh running back Le’Veon Bell with the 11th pick in the fifth round, followed by the Small-Town Americans’ keeping N.Y. Giants wideout Odell Beckham Jr. and the Second Floor Shits keeping Cincinnati running back Jeremy Hill with the next two selections.
“For a moment, I thought we’d accidentally moved our draft to Ohio State,” Brennan said. “It was like Value City Arena for a few picks.”
Unfortunately, Calle Ochocinco suffered through a rough draft. Owner Corey Hersch was torn away by work duties midway through the draft and ended up drafting two injured players, two kickers and some guy named Bishop Sankey. Calle Ochocinco later found a sucker to acquire Sankey in Deacon Blues owner Miles McQuiggan.
Yahoo gave the Second Floor Shits and Thanks Obama! draft grades of A-, followed by eight other teams with either a B or a B- grade. MIII-LES … YOU SUCK, which had to overcome last year’s mortgage of this season by owner Jamie Palatini, finished with a C+, followed by the Leapin’ Chancellors with a C.
In the wake of the draft, Hersch submitted a proposed rule change to the league office after an expected keeper of his, Green Bay wide receiver Jordy Nelson, suffered a season-ending knee injury. The rule, which passed unanimously — save a curious abstention by McQuiggan — rules players who are on season-ending injured reserve ineligible to be acquired via the draft, free agency or waivers.
“Mr. Hersch proposed this rule to ensure our owners would be operating in good faith,” Brennan said. “It’s definitely a good rule. I was a little surprised that Small-Town Americans owner Kyle Brennan voted to approve the measure, since his stashing of the injured Randall Cobb at the end of the 2013 season led to his championship last year, but Mr. Brennan is a man of great integrity. Clearly, Mr. McQuiggan, who claimed he ‘sees both sides’ of the rule change, is a little more concerned with stocking his college refrigerator with beers he wants to keep away from his friends rather than making rule changes to strengthen the moral compass of this league.”
As a result of this rule change, the Bobcats4Ever Fantasy Football League Constitution was amended in several locations. The new injured reserve rule is now located in Article VI, Section 4, Paragraph B. A clause was also added to Article VIII, Section 2, to allow the Commissioner to hold emergency votes during the season “on a rule proposal that may immediately affect the competitive balance of the current or future seasons.” There is also a new area in Article VI, Section 5, Paragraph B, which outlines the structure of draft-day trades. Additionally, minor language changes were made to several other sections of the Constitution.
The updated Constitution is available on the league’s website.
— B4EFFL —